A recent publication from Time highlights the research of James K. McNulty, which implies that quickly forgiving your partner for not tightening the pickle jar lid may result in more frequent occurrences of spilled pickle juice in the future. McNulty asked recently-married couples to record their spouse’s transgressions each night of the week and whether or not they gave forgiveness. The results showed that behaviors that were forgiven were about twice as likely to crop up again in the near future!
So can we generalize these findings to bigger issues in marriage? If I shouldn’t let go of the fact that my wife puts the toilet paper on the spool wrong, then what does that mean when one of us does something that causes big problems?
The results of this article are limited. The participants listed small transgressions, like nagging, instead of hot button issues like infidelity, chronic anger, contempt, or other marriage-busters. Is the take-away from this article not to forgive my spouse? Not so much. If this article highlights anything, it highlights the fact that avoiding problems is not a viable strategy for solving problems. If your husband leaves the seat up and you “let it go”, the odds of him changing his behavior are slim to none. These practices will help keep you more engaged in your marriage.
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1. Avoid avoidance! Sweeping problems under the rug is a band-aid – and it’s a pretty crummy band-aid at that. Avoidance of problems is a management strategy, not a solution to a problem – and who wants to be managed by their spouse? Come together on disagreements; it may get a little dicey, but it’s the only way to solve things together.
2. Forgiveness is one part in a long process called “relationship”. Ask anyone who has been wronged in a major way and they will tell you – forgiveness is not just a one-time deal. It’s not the flip of a switch. Paul says “bless those who persecute you; bless, and do not curse” (Romans 12:14). The message of Jesus is to love others in a way that transcends tick for tack. Forgive, but make positive changes. Stay engaged.
3. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Angry hostility is often thought of as outward and flashy, but many of us are guilty of expressing our anger in an even more hurtful way: through withholding. It can eat away at a marriage just as fast as having irresponsible angry outbursts can and hurts both parties involved.
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Where can you stand to make some positive changes in your relationship? We all have room to grow so long as we do it together.
#2 has a poignant statement, “forgiveness is not just a one-time deal.” Forgiveness is a choice and should be made consciously. Anyone who has seen a loved one get permanently hurt by someone will tell you that it’s so hard to forgive. But you pointed out the flip-side–forgiveness that comes too easily. It becomes meaningless. If you’re going to forgive, it should be because you truly want to, otherwise you’re right, it doesn’t solve any problems.
#3 is a problem I think a lot of women have because it’s not seen as acceptable for women to be mad. A woman who shows anger is often called some pretty nasty names but they’re really socially accepted names. So it’s more ladylike to simmer but it’s sometimes just as damaging as if you hauled off and punched someone in the face. It’s a horrible thing to physically abuse someone, but it’s also a horrible thing to emotionally/psychologically abuse someone, and both have a terrible fallout–one example is Jon and Kate from TLC. If there’s ever a couple that exuded what you said in #3 just about every minute, it’s that one.
Such a well written post.. Thnkx for sharing this post!
I have a slightly different view, but I respect you for posting this story.