However it’s time for a confession. When things get hard, when they’re tough and the chips are down, I’m not so great at asking for help. We all have tough times and stressful seasons in our lives. And when I do I can get into trouble around taking care of myself.

I’m stubborn. What can I say? It runs in my family. I’ve heard stories that the people in the part ofItalymy family is originally from are known throughout the country as people with thick skulls. Literally. Anatomically.

So I’m learning that there are some basic human skills that I could use some growth in. I’m trying to get them through my thick skull:

1. Saying no: I’m channeling my inner 13-year-old and learning to say no more often. Saying no to things I don’t like is easy. Saying no to something I want to do, but shouldn’t because I have other demands on my time that I have already agreed to is a tough one. I’m reminded of what Jesus told his followers at the Sermon on the Mount, “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Mt 5:37). Taking care of myself means my ‘yes’ can’t mean ‘yes unless something else comes up’ or ‘yes I’ll get to it just as soon as I finish my 8 billion other responsibilities’.

2. Asking for help: Ah, the grand paradox – If you were overburdened and asked for help I would spring into action at the drop of a hat. But sometimes it seems like it takes me an eternity to get to the point where I’ll actually ask others for help. I’m getting better at realizing that asking someone to help me actually builds relationship and doesn’t take away.

And another thing I’m learning in this arena – you don’t have to wait until you’re in a crisis to ask for help! There is always urgency in reaching out and responsibly developing support and care in your life.

3. Resting up without numbing out: What does rest mean to you? The definition I have rolling around my head is an old one from my college days: “Check out, eat pizza, play video games, fall asleep.” Do you think I ever get out of a pizza-sleep binge and feel energized and ready to take on the world? Time to update those old files! The other day Jaci and I went for a run together and got to check in around how our weeks are going during the run. Years ago I would have laughed to your face if you told me going for a run would be restful. Now I’m starting to know better (emphasis on ‘starting’). Engaging my mind and heart is revitalizing, not draining.

What do all of these things have in common? Other people! Even though it’s my tendency to go it alone and try to fly under the radar when things get rough, I need to continually remind myself that to do life without others is empty and unfulfilling.

I came across this Ben Franklin quote that seems to fit here. I can’t tell if it’s uplifting or the exact opposite. You be the judge.

“Do not fear mistakes. You will know failure. Continue to reach out.”

At least it’s straightforward… Funny thing is that Jesus said pretty much the same thing, except with a spin that only the Son of Man could add: “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world” (John 16:33).

So I continue to learn, continue to grow. I take heart, take stock, and keep moving.

A study out of the University of Florida (cited below) attempted to determine just how support works. They had two college friends sitting in the room. One would engage in a painful, but safe, task (submerging their hand in a tank of 0°C water for three minutes). Every 20 seconds they would point to a scale rated 1-10 to determine how painful it was. The second student was the “supportive other”. They were given one of four sets of instructions: “Support the other student as much as possible during the experiment,” “Sit next to the student, but refrain from saying anything or gesturing,” “Say as much or as little as you want about anything,” or they were asked to stay out of the experiment.

The experimenters wanted to see if active support, passive support, distraction, or being alone modifies just how much pain we feel in our lives. Basically they wanted to determine what kind of support is most helpful in a painful situation. From these results we can glean tips that we can use to grow personally and reduce pain – both in our lives and in others’.

Be intentional – Students receiving active support from a peer actually felt less pain! These supportive students were not trained or prompted. They had nothing but the intent to support and help someone, and they made a significant difference. Intent generates change. We can provide meaningful and life-changing support if we are deliberate and conscious.

Avoidance doesn’t work – What researchers were not expecting, however, was that the friends who were talking about whatever they wanted, the distracted ones, felt the same amount of pain or more than students alone in a room with nothing to focus on but the pain. These friends engaged in small talk and humorous comments, but were not generally encouraging or reassuring. Small talk is often a way to tend to your own anxiety by taking the focus away from the topic or situation that is generating the pain.

If you don’t have anything nice to say… Don’t say anything at all! Silent supporters, those holding space for their counterparts, were just as effective as the encouraging and reassuring support. It’s easy to think that if I’m not saying anything then I’m not doing anything. This is not the case. Our presence alone is reassuring and encouraging. Simply being with another person is powerful.

“Who” is less important than “how” – What would you expect if the experimenters ran the entire trial over again, but this time the supportive other was a complete stranger? You may expect the support to be less helpful, but the results were nearly identical. Good support is good support. The power of our encouragement, expressing understanding, and presence does not require a lot of relational history. Realize how powerful support is and know how much of it is out there for you.

Check out more Growing in Faith articles on this topic:
“Getting Enough Support?”
“Do You Shelve Your Emotions?”
“A 5-Minute Exercise to Examine Your Life”

Referenced: Brown, J. L., Sheffield, D., Leary, M. R., & Robinson, M. E. (2003). Social support and experimental pain. Psychosomatic Medicine, 65(2), 276-283.

Needless to say we received some pretty odd calls. One in particular I will never forget. I had the fortune to already be on the phone when Kristen, my coworker, picked up and greeted a girl on the other line. She asked some general questions and I could tell it was someone seeking services. Within a few minutes Kristen started to develop a confused look on her face. This was one of those odd calls.

There was plenty of “Well, I’m not sure” and “I’ll have to check” and “I don’t know if insurance covers that” until finally Kristen put the girl on hold and turned to the rest of us.

“She’s asking if we offer ‘best friends counseling’”

OK – so not your run of the mill question at a counseling center and I can only imagine what customer assistance at her insurance provider would be like. But on the one hand I have to give kudos to the girl for asking. She had a friend that she was close with for years and years. They lived together and the relationship started going south. They had tried to clear things up, but hit an impasse and were looking for some outside help.

My default thoughts about friendships are that they should be fun, light, and easy. It’s easy to pull the ‘drama’ card when things start getting involved, but friendships are just like any long term relationship. Deeper levels of fulfillment require both parties to be vulnerable, and pointing blame at drama keeps me out of being true to myself.

Do you have any friendships that could use a booster? I think we all have someone in our lives we’d like to be in a better place with. Rich Blue, author of Grappling with God presented a live webinar, which we have recorded on this very topic. Check out CLE’s Video archive here for this broadcast and more.

He’s come by twice before and I found myself giving an internal high five when I had somewhat legitimate excuses to avoid engaging with him and his counterpart (they travel two by two). I find myself scared to write this and put it out to the world. I’m afraid everyone will think I’m a jerk that avoids people he’s uncomfortable around. More about that later.

The Jehovah's witness that came to my door had a striking, yet less creepy, resemblance to Ben Linus from Lost

Finally this past week he came when I didn’t have somewhere to be or dinner already served. I was face-to-face with a conversation I didn’t want to have. So what did I do? Did I invite him in, make a pot of coffee, and be an all-around nice guy? Sadly, no.

My fears and discomfort got the best of me. I explained that I’m a Christian, that I work in a church even. I let him know that despite all that I didn’t feel comfortable having the conversation, and asked that they stop coming around our house.

They looked a bit puzzled. Here I was explaining that I’m a “professional” Christian and then letting him know that I didn’t want to talk about God. Say what?

So now back to me being afraid everyone will think I’m a jerk. And that’s namely because I was a jerk. I indulged my fears of disagreeing with someone, of looking stupid if I didn’t know the “answer” to one of his questions, my insecurities about my own Bible knowledge, my insecurities about judgments he might have about megachurches, etc etc etc. I let them get the best of me and I pushed the two of them away to generate a false sense of my own safety. Yes that’s right, a false sense of safety.

Jesus didn’t push people away who disagreed with him. He welcomed and joined together with them in relationship. He got to know their stories and walked with them. Do you think Jesus indulged his fears of how he might look when he approached the Samaritan woman at the well? It was culturally unacceptable for a single man and woman to be talking – especially for a Jew to talk to a Samaritan. Then Jesus breaks even the social norms of today, confronting her on divorcing over and over and living with a man she’s not married to.

So after about 20 minutes of wallowing in guilt with my wife, Jaci, we decided we needed to make things right. We hadn’t been very good representations of Christlike people. I had heard of a Jehovah’s Witness church in the area so we looked it up and decided to pay them a visit. Our mission: apologize and come clean about how my reactivity and fear had gotten the best of me.

I thought I was scared to talk to them when they were at my front door. Imagine how I felt walking up to a church I’ve never been to, full of people who have a faith I know next to nothing about, and having no really good reason for being there other than saying “I’m sorry”. I felt sick to my stomach. I secretly wished the doors were locked and no one was there. As I pulled up to the full parking lot I felt a thick sense of discomfort.

A symbol for the Holy Trinity. We are made in the image of God, three parts in unity and relationship.

I entered the church past the very unlocked doors and realized then and there that I didn’t even know the name of the man that came to my door. I found someone who looked like they were somewhat important and asked if they had a member who looked like Ben Linus from Lost. OK – not my best opener, but it would do. He hadn’t seen Lost so we just explained the situation to him and began explaining how my own insecurities had caused me to be unkind. This encounter didn’t have nearly the same impact or effect I had imagined it might have from the parking lot. How could I fully explain myself if I wasn’t face to face with the man I pushed away? I felt myself wanting to shout out “Can I get a witness?”

During our conversation, the man who looked like Ben Linus but was actually named Kevin appeared, apparently doing some cleaning at the church after a service had taken place. I got a chance to tell my side of things to Kevin. I explained that in an attempt at keeping myself safe I had done the opposite of what God wanted for us when He sent Jesus to the world. I put up a huge wall of stubborn defensiveness and I was at the church that afternoon to tear that wall down.

I had absolutely no clue how he would react. The ball was in his court. He could have blown me off and resoundingly agreed how much of a jerk I was. But he didn’t. He did exactly what he had left that afternoon desiring to do – he just had a conversation with me. He accepted my apology and we talked about how important it is for Christians to connect with other Christians, even if their beliefs don’t line up exactly.

I had really done myself a disservice when I allowed my fear to self-inflate until it was seemingly bigger than me. When I sucked it up and erred on the side of interaction and relationship, I found out that indulging my fears kept me out of a gratifying and nourishing interaction with another like-minded person just because I felt threatened. I found out that Kevin was another human being, just like me. He wasn’t out to get me and he had many of the exact same fears I had going into the situation.

I’ve done quite a bit of reflecting on the situation, and I’m seeing how much I let my own fears keep me from acting in certain ways. I don’t think that’s God’s plan for my life or yours. John reminds us that “perfect love drives out fear” (1 John 4:18). The love of God – the love we are called to reflect in this world – operates above and beyond our own fears and works to bring us together rather than drive us apart from one another.

I was green, which you can tell by the amount of green tiles NOT on the board...

Blokus is a game where each player has a set number of blocks that they place on a board. Your pieces can only touch the corners of your other pieces, but they can be placed flush against opponents’ pieces. I don’t know how high your spacial reasoning intelligence is, but for my hamster wheel-driven brain this is a complicated game. Someone always puts a piece where I least expect it, and it fits like a glove.

I think families can be just like Blokus. I’m thinking as hard as I can about the move I’m going to make and then someone else puts a piece down that completely changes everything. We end up fitting together in sometimes-functional and sometimes-dysfunctional ways, but we always find a way to fit. At the end of the game we’ve developed some highly complex shape as the four colors converge in the center of the board.

Having family over last night I was astounded at the ways we fit. My funny bone was tickled, my buttons were pushed, I felt like I was at home (which makes sense because everyone was over at my house, but I meant it the other way, too).

CLE is doing a lot of work lately with family systems, and I’m seeing my own family in a new and exciting light. A family, or really any community, is like a balanced top. If a big change is made and the top starts wobbling then the system will react and adapt. As a therapist I’m used to talking about the not-so-fun “family fits” we might have. It’s also important to notice the great health and strength that we have as people in relationship. I was happy to tune into how my own family fits (like that play on words there?) last night rather than focusing on what bugs me about them – even though that blog post might be a bit more interesting…

As much as I’d like family to be more like Candyland, I guess I’m glad it’s not anything like Clue. Although sometimes it feels like Twister… Was that enough board game related puns for you?

I have a friend who sat with her legs crossed during an interview. Everything was going swimmingly until she stood up to shake her prospective employer’s hand and, now with only one foot, took a nose dive right there in his office.

My least favorite part about this experience (collapsing in job interviews aside) is what happens when the blood flow is returned. We’re all familiar with it – some people describe the sensation as pins and needles. I think that’s an apt description because it conveys just how painful and irritating it is. If it was any longer than a minute or two it would be a real problem. One second I can’t feel anything, and the next second anything I touch sends shock waves through my hand or foot. It goes away over time, but only through gritting and bearing it.

Well, I’m just like your foot.

I lose feeling – often without even noticing it. I go numb.

Because, fankly, it feels easier to avoid things. It feels easier to numb out when I’m feeling scared, sad, or angry. I can’t help but think I’ve duped the system and continue neglecting parts of my life that aren’t going according to plan. I’m often in the business of seeking pleasure and avoiding any pain that comes my way. I keep my eyes on the short term and keep clear of the long term.

Afraid of an upcoming job presentation? Dismiss those feelings – you shouldn’t be afraid. That means you’re weak. Feeling frustration well up at the last interaction with your wife? Stop that – you should be focusing on your work. And if you’re mad at her you might not love her as much. Get your feelings hurt when you’re left out of something? Get rid of that – it’s childish to have your feelings hurt. You have to be stronger than that. Unchecked thoughts because checking thoughts takes consciousness.

All the while I lose more and more feeling. I deny my true self until I don’t have a great handle on it even when I’m trying to get in touch with it. Sound familiar?

But then something leads to a stop in the numbness. For me it was starting my personal growth work individually and in groups. Maybe for you it’s a troubled marriage? A death in the family? Recommitting to your self? Sooner or later you’ll reposition your numb limb or fall on your face in a job interview. It’s only a matter of time until we all look our self-deceptions in the face and have a choice.

Continue numbing ourselves or face pins and needles?

Let’s face it. The trip back to consciousness is often a turbulent one. When we dig up all that has been buried, treasure won’t be the only thing we find. We numb ourselves (consciously or unconsciously) to avoid. And what are we most likely to avoid? Pain, of course. Either I foster mistaken beliefs that it will go away if I don’t think about it, or it’s just too hard and hurtful to be with a certain thought or feeling all on my own. I’ll fend off feedback if I always think it’s going to be bad.We all have reasons and ways that we lose parts of ourselves.

But the treasure I do find – being in touch with myself, being on my own side, fighting for fulfillment in relationships – is worth the pain. How can I know myself without knowing all of myself? It’s tempting to think that I can paint a picture of myself that others will buy, but let’s get real here. How often does that work when other people try it with you? On the contrary, we’re drawn to others when they lead with their vulnerability and are open with their weaknesses. We connect with others when they share their pain. It’s the paradox of 2 Corinthians 12:9 “…my power is made perfect in weakness”. Jesus wants us to know that pain isn’t always something that should be avoided and that we should numb ourselves to. It’s what makes us real, meaningful, authentic, and impactful human beings.

Pins and needles – if they lasted forever – would be unbearable. But the benefit of having control of whatever was asleep far outweighs the pain and difficulties on the way. We can choose to focus on the pain and stay small or we can look ahead to the vision of what can be in our lives and move through pain with purpose. We all have the choice of hiding our pain or accessing the full span of our experiences and abilities.

Forgot to eat? Do I need to start setting an Outlook reminder to clue me in when to take care of my physical needs?I’m not too proud of this particular incident, but it emphasizes an important fact about life in our culture and our time. We seldom take a moment to collect our thoughts about a single day, let alone where are lives are going in general. It’s so easy to get stuck on what’s right in front of our noses that we often forget that there’s an entire world outside of us and an entire world within us. If I’m looking right in front of me I’m missing so much of what’s so important.When’s the last time you took stock of your life – of what things meant to you? Maybe like me you know exactly what you’re doing, but not how you’re doing it.

Take a moment and shift your focus off of your goals and on to your life and how you’re living. Consider taking five minutes out of your busy day as a gift to yourself. Complete the following exercise and check in with yourself about how you are.

Five Minutes to Assess Your Life

Might sound like an odd question at face value – odd enough that most of us have never intentionally answered the question for ourselves. Values, judgments, beliefs – we all have them whether we have them intentionally or unconsciously. There is no “neutral” or “undecided”. We all have reactions all the time. Which means that the answer to the above question is meaningful in how we live our lives.

Research on the human brain conducted in 2007 by Matthew Lieberman gives us powerful insight into the workings of emotions in the brain. The study took images of activity in participants’ brains as they watched pictures of people’s faces. Faces sporting a sad, angry, or painful expression triggered activity in the particpant’s amygdala – a limbic response similar to fight or flight. The amygdala is referred to in popular literature as the Lizard Brain, so called because it is lower level functioning. The amygdala motivates us to move away from perceived threats in an attempt to protect the system. Not always a bad thing, but it can get us in trouble.

That was not the most powerful finding in the study. Participants were then asked to name the emotions they saw. Fear, pain, anger, etc. The simple act of verbalizing the feelings entirely shifted how the brain responded. Activity moved from the Lizard Brain amygdala into the higher functioning prefrontal cortex. This is the executive functioning center of our mind – our language, planning, decision making, etc.

Participants moved from cave man fight or flight to conscious decision making simply by saying feelings out loud.

Which is why the above is such an important question: How do you feel about your feelings? Maybe they confuse you. Maybe you have too many of them. Maybe they get you in trouble or maybe they even get you what you want. The answer is less important than the process is of finding the answer. Searching yourself to find out how you react leads to more conscious living.

Feelings as a board of directors

Think of yourself as a CEO of a company and your feelings as a board of directors. They influence the company but you’re the one steering the ship so to speak. You’re the one making the decisions and leading your life.

A few things can happen when we look at things this way. You could rely too heavily on your board and let them guide your every decision. On the other end of the spectrum you could completely ignore your board and do what you want to do without the guidance of their reactions. Just like leadership in a company (or any other organization) there is a balance to be found and there is no right answer.

Sometimes your anger advisor will propose that you to scream your head off and sometimes he’ll think you should stand up for what is right. But no matter what you decide to do you are the one who will be held responsible.

How do you feel about your feelings? How do you interact with your board of directors?

 Not quite a conventional way to start a letter, right? Not too cheerful either at first glance. But then again, that’s what makes it so great. James engages us – he challenges us – with a paradox that puts up against the walls of our own mistaken beliefs.

Suffering = Joy? Hard pill to swallow. Generally, we’re told that happiness comes from removing stress and difficulties. Suffering entails pain, sleepless nights, fear, conflict, confusion, hurt, and the list goes on. Joy must mean coming into a lot of money or power and then removing all the irritating issues in my life, right?

According to a research study by Philip Brickman, lottery winners and accident victims (paraplegics) do not differ very much in terms of levels of happiness after the fact. Martin Seligman, founder of positive psychology (the study of normal people and what makes life good), talks at length about the fact that happy people still struggle. They might struggle very much – the difference is that they have lots of meaning and engagement in their lives!

It’s a deep truth, and it’s a hidden truth. God makes us work for something so life-changing – and He loves to do it with paradoxes that only make sense once we’ve lived them. Think of all the paradoxes in the Bible – the strong will become weak, the weak will become strong, to find freedom you must become a slave, by His wounds we are healed. The list goes on.

Now think of all the situations in our own lives that seem to be contradictory on the surface. You don’t know what you really have until you lose it or learn to be without it. Telling someone the hard truth, though it may hurt a little at first, makes them trust you more. Hard work done consciously actually makes you feel more energy and aliveness.

These deep truths require us to have the faith to believe, which drives us into action to experience it for ourselves.

Recently I was on a retreat in which we were learning about nourishment and self-care at the Wright Leadership Institute. We were coached to say positive, affirming things to ourselves out loud. Now if you knew me well you would know that this breaks quite a few rules for me. Never be fluffy, just get it done, actions are more important than words, and the list goes on.

I have trust in the Institute’s philosophy so I had the faith to jump into the experience (despite the fact that I felt it was a bunch of froo froo silly talk). You might guess what happened next. I’m reminded of the commercial for Life cereal – “Hey Mikey – he likes it!” Of course as I knew speaking positive truths to ourselves is actually affirming (lots of theory and research about “self-parenting” strategies), but what I learned is that it works for me, too!

I took something that I knew with my head and I actually did it. Now it’s part of me. I let it in and allowed it to change my wiring a little bit. The “froo froo” script and excuse gets used less and less and I’m learning and growing.

Growing. I think this is what God intends for us and ultimately what we all desire for ourselves.

So, what is pure joy? What is happiness? I don’t think we’ll truly experience it until we start growing into our greatest potential for ourselves. Growth is challenging, and challenging situations cause personal growth (if I don’t get in my own way).

When James says to consider it pure joy to face my trials I try to remember just how much I can gain from my pain. I’m not always going to get it right. I’m still going to pull away from pain from time to time. But I’m also going to honor and celebrate the times I stay in it and the growth that happens as a result.

This poem beautifully describes why need an abundance of grace for ourselves in our personal journey. Mistakes will be made and pain is inevitable. The reward, however, is joy beyond measure.

Autobiography in 5 Short Chapters 
- a poem by Portia Nelson, published in her book There’s a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Chapter I

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost … I am helpless.
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit … but,
my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.