Hunger Pains

“I’ll see you in a couple weeks,” my dad said through the bathroom door. I was 19 years old, living with him and his girlfriend while attending college in the city. We said our goodbye – I was heading to class and he was going to be leaving for France with her for a vacation. My father and I had never been really close, but this was going to be the farthest away we had ever been. If I was honest with myself (which I wasn’t at the time) I was scared at the impending separation. I wanted more, but I “soldiered on” accepting the goodbye from the closed door and not showing any emotion.

I walked out into the hallway of our 12^th floor apartment and was waiting for the elevator. My dad jogged outside, gave me a long hug, and re-did our goodbye in person. This was uncharacteristic for our relationship to say the least. We finished up; I entered the elevator, and was caught by surprise by the presence of tears running down my face. I felt abrupt hurt and sadness. I was confused and alone and did not understand the intense emotions that were washing over me. A gentleman joined me around the 8^th floor. He was equally surprised and confused by my show of emotion.

What had happened to me? I thought I was stone cold, completely independent, and didn’t need anyone. Why was I crying just because my dad gave me a hug? What I realize now looking back with more clarity and support from others is that I had constructed my life on the mistaken belief that “I don’t need anyone”. I had effectively cut myself off from my core wants and needs of intimacy, validation, community, connection, and relationship.

If you asked me before the connection with my dad if I wanted a deeper connection that morning I guarantee I would have said “I could take it or leave it” and that it didn’t really matter to me. I didn’t allow myself to be in touch with my need for his acceptance and care. However, when he went against the grain and reached out my deep hunger for this level of connection came into blinding focus. It hurt.

But why did it hurt so much? Why the tears? Why the pain? I sometimes compare it to hunger pains. I was hungry, I wasn’t feeding myself, and it hurt. Now obviously when you’re hungry you head over to the nearest grocery store, stock up, and nourish yourself. What I had been doing on the other hand was the equivalent of feeling hungry and trying to avoid all contact with food to try to make the hunger go away. I tried to foget how hungry I was or convince myself that I was never hungry in the first place. Sounds like a foolproof plan when I put it in those terms, right?

When my dad finally broke our traditional distance it was like giving me a morsel of food. It instantly took me back to the pain that was caused by my own self-starvation. And what’s worse is that instead of thinking “wow this feels good and I want more!” I thought “this hurts so much, why doesn’t he feed me more often?” and decided to continue avoiding and denying my hunger pains for many more years.

Now I have a little more clarity about this dynamic and I see it rear its ugly head in many more areas of my life. As a therapist, I also see it in the lives of my clients, and it’s important for all of us to take a deeper look at. I used to tell myself that I was afraid of intimacy. Only recently did I realize I was starving for intimacy and it hurt like hell to realize how much I wanted it. I realized that if I only accept my pain and express it to those around me I can nourish myself and meet my own needs, while developing deeper and more mutual relationships with those around me. In effect I could feed myself and others rather than convincing myself that neither of us needed food.

Pain isn’t comfortable, but it’s there for a reason. Your pain is your road map to make positive changes in your life. If we’re open to exploring that with an eye toward growth we can reach greater levels of fulfillment and deeper levels of engagement than if we avoid and ignore.

Where do you hurt? What are your hunger pains?