Whether you were raised in a Christian home or not, odds are that you were encouraged to help those around you. Not necessarily a bad thing, right? But if you’re anything like me, there’s a part of you that tries to step it up. I don’t just want to help people – I want make absolutely sure they get the help I am giving. If I don’t keep an eye on things, I find myself wanting them to change until I’M satisfied. It’s tempting to get a little too wrapped up in the personal affairs of others.
Encouraging and desiring change in others is not inherently bad. We’re wired to care about each other, which is both normal and healthy. However, it’s feasible to cross the lines and take things too far. See Dr. Henry Cloud’s interpretation below:
We are to love one another, not be one another. I can’t feel your feelings for you. I can’t think for you. I can’t behave for you. I can’t work through the disappointment that limits bring for you. In short, I can’t grow for you; only you can. Likewise, you can’t grow for me. The biblical mandate for our own personal growth is “Continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose” (Phil. 2:12-13). You are responsible for yourself. I am responsible for myself. (Henry Cloud – Boundaries)
Sometimes our desire is to make absolutely sure that whatever change we want to see in others comes to fruition. From the surface level there is no malicious intent in this desire. It’s easy to want the most for other people and to help them get there. However, when I start assessing my self-worth based on your happiness, pain, peace, or success is when we get a breakdown. My feelings must be based on my own experience.
A better strategy for relationship is to encourage responsibility. Alfred A. Montapert said “Nobody ever did, or ever will, escape the consequences of his choices.” Knowing that our children, spouses, friends, and family will encounter pain and upset in their lives, we can be free to encourage them to take risks and grow in healthy ways. If we’re trying to avoid the pain that comes along with everyday life then there’s a possibility that opportunities for growth and aliveness could be missed.
We are designed to relate to each other in ways that are complementary, not to be intertwined. Do you complement those in relationship with you and allow them to likewise complement you? Or is there a possibility you’re both being held up by being involved to an unhealthy extent?
Good points. The tendency to intertwine too much is a sneaky one, since it often comes about from a swelling of love and concern. It can also be the natural defense against a tragedy or loss. But it can develop into an unhealthy intermingling, like you describe. I think C.S. Lewis wrote some good stuff about this, in The Four Loves maybe?
I think it’s good to have a healthy appreciation for healthy boundaries between people. Meaning, we each preserve the distinction between me/my desires/my obstacles, and you/your desires/your obstacles. We will happily share joy with others and help them with troubles, but we should not “move in” with them emotionally, lest we lose some of ourselves and our ability to find our own joy and solutions to problems. We have to live our own life, and let others live theirs.
Steven, I completely agree. You’re right on in terms of people “moving in” with others’ emotions. Great way of putting it!