Take Away the Hurt

Supporting another person in a time of pain is a skill just like any other. It’s possible to do it poorly, and it’s possible to be deeply meaningful and helpful. I try to think back to the funerals I have gone to as a supporter, but also as someone needing support. Several times I have been surprised when someone says exactly the right thing. It’s like a weight is lifted and the rest of the day is a little easier. What exactly makes our support more effective? And how can we create a more supportive environment for ourselves?

A study out of the University of Florida (cited below) attempted to determine just how support works. They had two college friends sitting in the room. One would engage in a painful, but safe, task (submerging their hand in a tank of 0°C water for three minutes). Every 20 seconds they would point to a scale rated 1-10 to determine how painful it was. The second student was the “supportive other”. They were given one of four sets of instructions: “Support the other student as much as possible during the experiment,” “Sit next to the student, but refrain from saying anything or gesturing,” “Say as much or as little as you want about anything,” or they were asked to stay out of the experiment.

The experimenters wanted to see if active support, passive support, distraction, or being alone modifies just how much pain we feel in our lives. Basically they wanted to determine what kind of support is most helpful in a painful situation. From these results we can glean tips that we can use to grow personally and reduce pain – both in our lives and in others’.

Be intentional – Students receiving active support from a peer actually felt less pain! These supportive students were not trained or prompted. They had nothing but the intent to support and help someone, and they made a significant difference. Intent generates change. We can provide meaningful and life-changing support if we are deliberate and conscious.

Avoidance doesn’t work – What researchers were not expecting, however, was that the friends who were talking about whatever they wanted, the distracted ones, felt the same amount of pain or more than students alone in a room with nothing to focus on but the pain. These friends engaged in small talk and humorous comments, but were not generally encouraging or reassuring. Small talk is often a way to tend to your own anxiety by taking the focus away from the topic or situation that is generating the pain.

If you don’t have anything nice to say… Don’t say anything at all! Silent supporters, those holding space for their counterparts, were just as effective as the encouraging and reassuring support. It’s easy to think that if I’m not saying anything then I’m not doing anything. This is not the case. Our presence alone is reassuring and encouraging. Simply being with another person is powerful.

“Who” is less important than “how” – What would you expect if the experimenters ran the entire trial over again, but this time the supportive other was a complete stranger? You may expect the support to be less helpful, but the results were nearly identical. Good support is good support. The power of our encouragement, expressing understanding, and presence does not require a lot of relational history. Realize how powerful support is and know how much of it is out there for you.

Check out more Growing in Faith articles on this topic:
“Getting Enough Support?”
“Do You Shelve Your Emotions?”
“A 5-Minute Exercise to Examine Your Life”

Referenced: Brown, J. L., Sheffield, D., Leary, M. R., & Robinson, M. E. (2003). Social support and experimental pain. Psychosomatic Medicine, 65(2), 276-283.