Perhaps you’ve read the article “The Happy Marriage is the ‘Me’ Marriage” by Tara Parker-Pope in the New York Times. Several readers sent me an e-mail with the link to the article and asked what I thought about this provocatively-titled piece.
“The notion that the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual may seem counterintuitive. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be about putting the relationship first? Not anymore. For centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution, and the emotional and intellectual needs of the spouses were secondary to the survival of the marriage itself.”
Research is cited that suggests that satisfaction in a marriage comes to the degree that one’s personal growth is encouraged and created by the spouse. The amount your significant other completes you as a well-rounded, healthy person is the degree to which you will have fulfillment in that relationship.
So, is this the ‘Me’ marriage? Or is it really the ‘Us’ marriage? It sure is a catchy title, but I don’t think it does justice to the article. What makes marriages work is regarding your spouses needs as highly as your own and vice versa. The two shall become “one flesh” (Genesis 2:24). Couldn’t we just have saved centuries of looking at something from the wrong point of view by just going back to the basics?
Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands. Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage. (Ephesians 5:22-28, The Message translation)
Special thanks to Teri N. and Dave D. for e-mailing me the article. It has generated some interesting discussions in my life – I’d love to read your thoughts on it! Leave a comment below.
It kind of felt to me like the title of the article was written by an editor looking to catch peoples’ eye, as opposed accurately describe what’s in the article.
You already cited one of the best bits of the Bible and said the number one thing that makes marriages work. My take on it is that one of the most important bits is the “and vice-versa.” Some people don’t give enough but some people give way too much too easily. I know a couple people whose marriage broke down when that “and vice-versa” stopped happening. One person gave until they had nothing left while the other…not so much. And the one who gave ended up feeling very drained and bitter.
I think it’s a good idea to constanly have a finger on the pulse of this issue, to make sure that you’re feeling invested in the other person. You wouldn’t not have someone take your blood pressure for 10 years, right? It’s just part of your health to get that checked every so often. If you’re not feeling invested or you think the other person doesn’t feel invested then you have to ask why. And just because you’ve hit a lull doesn’t mean the end; everyone has highs and lows and that’s true of relationships too. But it’s easier to fix if you’re constantly checking because it hasn’t gotten away from you. Probably the surest sign a marriage will fail is if no one has checked these things in a long time (just like if you didn’t check your blood pressure for a long time you might find it dangerously high when you do check it).