Tips For More Meaningful Conversations

Ask questions that encourage exploration: To have a meaningful conversation is to unearth something important that would not have come about naturally. What better way to that than asking questions that encourage someone to stop and think? Rather than taking the conversation where you think its going, leave a little room and trust that the other person will take it where it needs to go. If there’s a question you think you might know the answer to, it won’t be as fruitful as the question you couldn’t guess the answer to. Say things like “tell me more” that challenge the other person to take whatever they’re talking about one step deeper.

What’s not being said? Really meaningful conversations happen in a context that is safe enough to discuss all the things that are going on that aren’t being talked about.  Perhaps a friend shuts down when you bring up a certain subject. Maybe your brother laughs something off that you think could be really hurtful. We’re given two options when we sense something occurring in a relationship that isn’t being talked about: Avoid or engage. Avoidance is tempting because it seems safer on first glance. But do you want a friend that is going to sweep things under the rug just to avoid causing ripples? A true friend shares what is true and doesn’t keep silent.

Mutuality! How does it feel when a friend is asking you about deeply personal and vulnerable aspects of your life, but refuses to share anything about their personal life? It’s untrustworthy and generally leads to clamming up pretty quickly! Mutuality means having some skin in the game. I create trust for you when I share about my own experiences and reactions. I invest in others when I become mutual with them in their risks, fears, and vulnerability. Paul writes in his letter to the Philippians that “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage” (Phil 2:5). Even Jesus, the Son of God practiced mutuality with the people he interacted with! True healing occurs in mutual relationships – not in a top-down sense of authority.