What would it look like to have a venue where you were surrounded by peers and the group was tasked with discussing your positive qualities and how you are using them in your daily life? Imagine that the group is tasked to highlight where they have seen your positive qualities shine and what they notice about you that is successful and worthwhile.
To me the first reaction is that it seems greedy and wrong. It almost has a feeling of selfishness or arrogance to have that much positive attention even if – especially if – it’s true.
In my small group through Willow Creek Community Church we decided to challenge ourselves to complete a spiritual gifts assessment and discuss it together. For those of you who are not familiar with spiritual gifts assessments, they are basically the Christian faith-based version of a cross between a personality test and a strengths finder test. We set it up this way: Each member would discuss what they believed their gifts were based on this assessment. Afterwards, the group would speak truth into the person, share how they have interacted with the person and what it has meant to them.
I was amazed by how much grew out of that little bit of structure. As you might imagine, some members started by talking about what they weren’t so good at or what they wish they were better at. I know that for me personally it’s often easier to talk about what I’m not good at as opposed to what I am good at. I feel like I’m bragging when I’m discussing what is good in my life – even if it’s true. But people worked past that. The group was hungry for hearing how people were functioning in a positive way – and if the person felt they weren’t functioning positively in daily life we discussed how that could change and what it might look like.
What threw me for a loop, however, was my own emotional reaction to the group. I didn’t expect to leave group with anything but perhaps that warm fuzzy feeling you get when you read a nice birthday card. On the contrary, I felt pumped up. I felt strong and secure in my own positive qualities and ready to take on the world. Usually I can intellectually tell myself what I am good at and what I am lacking in, but after being built up in a truthful and authentic way by people I trust I felt that I had these positive qualities. I felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt safe.
Carl Rogers would call that congruence. Roughly the concept means that all parties were being fully present, genuine, and tracking with each other intellectually and emotionally. When we have a real and authentic connection with others we tend to relate in a more real and authentic way with ourselves. It’s hard to be hard on myself for that one quality I don’t want to have or to be upset about what I am not when 10 other people just accurately described what I mean to them and how I have been impactful in their lives.
Do you have a venue to receive authentic and truthful reactions? It doesn’t have to be a structured group – it just has to be real. What might change in your internal conversation after having that kind of interaction?
Johnny,
I love the post- and couldn’t agree more with what you’ve said. It doesn’t matter what format it comes in, as long as the validation is true and honest it still means something. I know I have found it so valuable to get positive feedback, not in a way that is flattering, but in a way that is affirming and validating and does give me that sense of strength and groundedness! Thanks for sharing.